Today is a Good Day to Cry

I was trying to think of something profound or poetic to share but the truth is nothing creative is coming to me. I’m just sad. And it’s truly difficult some days to simply get out of bed. These days don’t come often but they have now come back to back weeks. When you ask me what’s wrong I cry harder because I just don’t know! Or maybe I do know but the thought of telling the truth sounds so dumb.

But the truth is I’m still grieving. Some days it’s triggered by little things like dropping popcorn on the floor and calling for Athena out of habit. And some days; like today, it’s seemingly brought on by nothing at all. There are days I will miss my Father in Law and then feel guilty because I should be missing my Grandpa, Athena, Justin’s Grandma and Aunt just the same. Then I feel even more sad for not grieving each of them the same. I carry guilt for still grieving when others are not. The snow ball grows and the cycle continues.

I know in time I will be ok. And I am putting in the work to ensure that does happen. I just didn’t expect that it would take this much time. In my Bible study last week my dear friend had shared with me that things will never be the same and that hit me right in the gut. Nothing IS ever going to be the same! And I AM still holding on to all the things that my future holds that I won’t be able to share with these people.

I fucking miss each and every one of them so much. And as if the grief weren’t enough I also have new anxieties and fears surrounding my family that still lives. It’s a struggle and one that I’m so over dealing with. But the reality is that this is my new normal. And I DO have to live each day going forward without them. If a single one of them were still here they would tell me to live by my word and get out of bed and make every single day a great day. So for now I’ll cry. But just know that through the tears I’m determined to make it a great day. If I can do it you can too! If you’re struggling also please know you are not crazy, or wrong or alone. I see you. Drop a ❤️ below if any of this spoke to you.