I was trying to think of something profound or poetic to share but the truth is nothing creative is coming to me. I’m just sad. And it’s truly difficult some days to simply get out of bed. These days don’t come often but they have now come back to back weeks. When you ask me what’s wrong I cry harder because I just don’t know! Or maybe I do know but the thought of telling the truth sounds so dumb.
But the truth is I’m still grieving. Some days it’s triggered by little things like dropping popcorn on the floor and calling for Athena out of habit. And some days; like today, it’s seemingly brought on by nothing at all. There are days I will miss my Father in Law and then feel guilty because I should be missing my Grandpa, Athena, Justin’s Grandma and Aunt just the same. Then I feel even more sad for not grieving each of them the same. I carry guilt for still grieving when others are not. The snow ball grows and the cycle continues.
I know in time I will be ok. And I am putting in the work to ensure that does happen. I just didn’t expect that it would take this much time. In my Bible study last week my dear friend had shared with me that things will never be the same and that hit me right in the gut. Nothing IS ever going to be the same! And I AM still holding on to all the things that my future holds that I won’t be able to share with these people.
I fucking miss each and every one of them so much. And as if the grief weren’t enough I also have new anxieties and fears surrounding my family that still lives. It’s a struggle and one that I’m so over dealing with. But the reality is that this is my new normal. And I DO have to live each day going forward without them. If a single one of them were still here they would tell me to live by my word and get out of bed and make every single day a great day. So for now I’ll cry. But just know that through the tears I’m determined to make it a great day. If I can do it you can too! If you’re struggling also please know you are not crazy, or wrong or alone. I see you. Drop a ❤️ below if any of this spoke to you.
I’m just walking around holding back tears today and it sucks. There has been so much fun and so much excitement this whole week there truly is no need for it and seemingly no cause. I’m literally sobbing as I type this. I’ve also been super snappy with Hunter today and the guilt of that alone is weighing heavy on my heart. It’s so crazy how life can be so joyful one minute then grief says “I think the f*ck not!” And just slams your ass back down again.
Its not lost on me that I’ve been asking God for a good cry. Actually I’ve been begging for it. It could have been any day in the past six months and I was ready for it! But now? Really? With friends in town and with all the fun stuff we’ve been up to? Now? Now is when the tears are gonna finally fall? Grief is such a b*tch and I would never wish it on my worst enemy. So I’m gonna go bawl my eyes out for a minute then continue on with my day. Because I’ve got things to do, places to go and people to see. If you’ve ever had a day like this please know you’re not alone. I certainly hope I’m not.
There was a time in my life that I would never pass up a milkshake. But I’d have to be certain it was always in front of others so no one would ever suspect anything was off. Then in private, the things I would do and justified doing because no one would ever know were horrendous. But I still knew. And that guilt would reset the cycle all over again time after time. I was drowning and no one knew it. Food RULED my world.
When I became a Mom I realized VERY quickly that our children see and hear literally EVERYTHING. Even the things we thought we got away with, we really didn’t. They are like sponges; soaking everything up. Right down to how we eat. I did not want the same horrendous relationship with food for Hunter. And I knew in order to set the very best example I had to BE that example first. I had to face my food demons and really start working on my own relationship with food.
I am far from perfect but the important thing is that I am making a dedicated effort to do better. And that starts with things like a surprise lunch dates for milkshakes with ZERO guilt and ZERO plans to self-sabotage afterwards. Because sometimes life is about eating dessert first and making those memories in moments that are so fleeting. I have to remember that one milkshake ISN’T gonna make me FAT just like one workout ISN’T gonna make me SKINNY. But a milkshake with my favorite little guy ever IS going to create memories that WILL last a lifetime.
Can I be honest with you? I feel a little lost. This is the side of 75 Hard no one really talks about. You’re coming off the high of having completed 75 days straight of the toughest mental challenge out there straight into the unknown. At least that’s where I’m at. Little man is and has been really sick. Our trip back to Wisconsin for the holidays did not go as planned because if it. Plus the loss of Justin’s Grandma on Christmas Eve. I could go on. I had this same feeling when I completed the challenge the first time and you’d think I would’ve learned my lesson and planned accordingly but I didn’t. Mistakes were made and life just didn’t allow for it.
So here I am feeling doubtful, unsure, scared. Can I maintain all the progress I’ve made? Can I continue to build upon these new habits without the structure of the challenge? What should my next adventure be? Hell I’m even struggling to land on my word of intention for the New Year! That’s normally something I have down months leading up to January 1st.
I promise to always keep it real with you and right now I feel a little bit like I’m drowning. Looking at it from the outside in I can totally see how this might all sound silly. But in my mind right now it’s a struggle. I’m gonna take this week to unplug a little bit. To re-group. Re-focus. And to just breathe. My comeback is gonna be amazing! I just don’t quite know what that’s gonna look like yet. Be sure to keep an eye out…final transformation and deets coming at ya tomorrow!
Today I dedicate my day to myself. You did it Ang! I hope you’re proud of yourself. Because your past self that’s writing this is super proud of you. This past year is one you will never forget but wish you could. Each and every time life tried to beat you down you got up and kept going. In the toughest year of your entire life you completed the toughest challenge out there. Now it’s time to pick your next adventure! Keep going. You’ve got this! Day 75 is on the books! 0 days to go! Transformation reveal coming soon!!! ♠️💀❤️
My word of intention for 2021 was GROWTH. As I reflect back on my year I am so incredibly proud of how far I have come and all the growth I experienced this past year. And in all that growth I found a strength inside me that I never knew existed. Where before my vulnerability would consume me; my anxiety, my life, my everything, it has now become my superpower. I’ve shared a lot with you all this past year. I’ve showed up even when shit got hard. REAL HARD! I have put in the work on myself mentally, physically and spiritually and continue to do so every single day.
If I had not gone into this past year determined AF to grow and to push myself outside my comfort zone I would not have survived the year. Old habits are hard to break but I broke them just in time for the shit to hit the fan. Now I am far from perfect and will never claim to be but simply being able to recognize triggers that would normally lead to destructive behavior and disorder eating is a HUGE win in my book. And let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that I have FINALLY learned to ask for help when I need it rather than feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and crumbling under all the pressure. I’ve said it many many times throughout the year and I will continue to say it because I believe it with all my heart…you simply MUST commit to yourself and your health first in order to give the very best version of you to others. Period! It’s not selfish to do so it’s necessary.
This past year was one of the most difficult years of my life filled with a LOT of loss. I’m definitely still drowning in all that grief but know with time those wounds will heal. I’m just not there yet. It still hurts just as bad as the day they each left. But the funny thing is despite all that loss my faith is stronger than ever before. My marriage is stronger than ever before. My relationships are stronger than ever before. My friendships are stronger than ever before. It started with growth and led to strength. So despite me wanting to curse 2021 for eternity I thank the year instead. Thank you 2021 for forcing me to find a strength within that I never knew I possessed. It’s with that new found strength that I go into 2022 with my word for the new year. Be sure to stay tuned for what my next adventure will be.
Today I dedicate my day to my Grandma Stommel. Your sweet moments with Hunter and the little secrets you’d whisper in his ear are what I remember most and will forever cherish. I miss you dearly. Day 74 is on the books! Only 1 more day to go! ♠️💀❤️
Today I dedicate my day to my Grandpa. The one from whom I get my giant smile. I can still hear your voice singing The Little Green Frog and Poor Old Michael Finningan. I hope and pray every single day that I don’t forget your voice. Those songs will forever live on in Hunter.
I can’t wait to make your Christmas cookies after this challenge is over. Day 73 is on the books! Only 2 more days to go! ♠️💀❤️
Today I dedicate my day to my beautiful fur baby Athena. You greeted me daily with your smile and butt wiggles for 13 wonderful years. The day I took you home I thought I was saving you. But you my sweet girl were the one who saved me. At many moments in my life you were all I had. You got me through some of the darkest times of my life. I love you and I miss you dearly. Day 72 is on the books! Only 3 more days to go! ♠️💀❤️
Today I dedicate my day to my Father in Law. God truly blessed me with the very best. I could listen to your stories for hours. From our conversations about God and life to the devotions and scriptures you would send to me especially in moments when I was struggling most will forever hold a special place in my heart. Our time together was so special and will never ever be forgotten. I love you and miss you dearly. Day 71 is on the books! Only 4 more days to go! ♠️💀❤️