You know I’m always gonna keep it real with you. But I feel a little bit like an imposter. I will admit I have been a little bit in hiding. I haven’t shared my workouts, transformation photos or really given any updates on my health and fitness journey for a while now.
Truth is I have been struggling behind the scenes and haven’t really known how or what to share. So before I spill my guts here people I ask that you keep it kind. And for those of you who just can’t help themselves I can promise you that there is nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already said to myself.
I want to start by saying that life is good! REALLY REALLY good! But for someone reason I find myself in a season where my disordered eating is getting out of control again. I am back into a cycle of starving, binging, and purging. I act like it’s some unknown reason that led to this but because of the healing journey I’ve been on this past year deep down I truly do know.
For the first time in my life I am coming face to face with all my demons, past mistakes and childhood traumas. The mask is off. The heavy drinking and substance abuse to hide from having to face these demons is off. I am facing all of this in its truest and rawest form. And to be on this journey at a time when I am also mourning the loss of a future I can no longer have as a woman and mother because my body is changing and my hormones are an absolute mess is beyond difficult. Not just for me but for my family. My poor husband especially. He gets the sobbing, blubbering, can’t even breathe or form a sentence version of me that only those closest to my heart have ever seen.
The work is being put in folks that I can promise you. Even if you don’t see it. Even if I don’t share it. It’s being done. I CANNOT and WILL NOT continue to live my life this way. And for the very first time in a long while I feel like I can see a little bit of sunshine through this heavy cloud that’s been hanging over me. The pieces of the puzzle are all starting to come together. I am able to see things clearer and have a better understanding of how I got here and in turn have a better understanding of what needs to be done to truly heal my whole body, heart, mind and soul.
Thank you to all of you who have been there for me without fail watching, supporting and uplifting me as I navigate this crazy journey. Thank you to my amazing support group and team. I wouldn’t be here without all of you. Thank you to my husband for never giving up on me. Thank you to my family for always showing me grace and forgiveness. I’m coming out of this a new woman for sure. I’m so close. I can feel it!
